MISTER CLUTCH - I DON'T THINK SO

WHEN I NOTICE A PERSON HAVING SUCCESS THAT IS FAR BEYOND THE REACH OF THEIR TALENTS -- I TRY AND ANALYZE WHY THEY WERE ABLE TO MAKE IT.
IF, AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF ANALYSIS, NOTHING MAKES SENSE, YET THEY REMAIN ON A PLATEAU THAT THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE OCCUPIED, I TURN TO MY ULTIMATE QUESTION - THE ONE QUERY I THINK WILL LEAD TO A TRUTHFUL EXPLANATION OF THEIR STATUS.

THE QUESTION IS -- WHO ARE THEY SLEEPING WITH?

KIRSTEN DUNST COULD NOT ACT HER WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG - HER LAST GOOD PERFORMANCE WAS AT AGE 11 OR 12, IN "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE." YET, JUST FROM THE SPIDER-MAN TRILOGY, SHE WILL PROFIT MORE THAN 95% OF ALL THE ACTRESSES WHO EVER LIVED.

THERE WAS A PLAYER IN THE N.B.A. FOR OVER 12 YEARS AND THEY PLAY 82 GAMES OR MORE A YEAR - I CHALLENGE ANYONE TO TELL ME ONE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE THING THIS GUY EVER DID IN ANY N.B.A. GAME --- HE STAYED ON THE ROSTER OF VARIOUS TEAMS AND GOT PAID AND I DOUBT IF MOST OF HIS COACHES OR TEAMMATES KNEW HIS NAME, WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE BACK OF HIS UNIFORM.

WHILE I HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THIS MAN IS NOT A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A BENEFACTOR TO THOSE IN NEED, I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW DAVID WINGATE KEPT HIS HIGH PAYING JOB, YEAR AFTER YEAR.
HE DID WELL AT GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY WITH PAT EWING, BUT IN THE PROFESSIONAL GAME, HE WAS A ZERO, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
ONLY ONE QUESTION REMAINED FOR ME TO ASK AND I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT QUESTION WOULD REVEAL THE TRUTH OF HIS SUCCESS IN DISPLACING BETTER PLAYERS, SEASON AFTER SEASON FOR MORE THAN A DECADE.
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THE REASON ALL THIS CAME TO MIND WAS TRIGGERED BY ESPN LISTING A GROUP OF SEVEN PLAYERS IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, WHO HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A "MISTER CLUTCH" AWARD.

WHEN THEY READ THE FIRST NAME -- I DID NOT KNOW IF I SHOULD LAUGH, BECAUSE IT WAS SO RIDICULOUS OR CRY BECAUSE OUR STANDARDS HAVE SUNK SO LOW.

MISTER CLUTCH IS A PLAYER WHO COMES THRU UNDER PRESSURE. WHO PERFORMS BEST WHEN THE PRESSURE TO FAIL IS GREATEST ON HIS SHOULDERS. MISTER CLUTCH IS THE GUY THAT HIS TEAMMATES WANT TO SEE UP AT THE PLATE WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE.

MISTER CLUTCH WILL FAIL AT TIMES -- NO PLAYER IS ABOVE THE GAME, THE GAME HUMBLES THEM ALL - THE CONCEPT IS THAT, SOME DAYS YOU GET THE BEAR AND SOME DAYS, THE BEAR GETS YOU -- BUT MISTER CLUTCH WILL GO DOWN FIGHTING, GUNS BLAZING, BACK TO THE WALL, FEET PLANTED ON THE GROUND, REFUSING TO RETREAT -- MISTER CLUTCH GIVES YOU A DECENT CHANCE TO WIN - THAT IS ALL YOU CAN ASK -- NO ONE IS "ROY HOBBS" EVERYDAY.

THE GREATEST QUOTE, I EVER HEARD IN BASEBALL, WAS REGGIE JACKSON, SAYING THAT WHEN HE STEPPED INTO THE BATTER'S BOX, THERE WAS A MAN IN SCORING POSITION.

REGGIE WAS NICKNAMED - MISTER OCTOBER.

YANKEE CAPTAIN AND FOUR TIME WORLD CHAMPION, DEREK JETER, IS NICKNAMED "MISTER NOVEMBER."
SO, LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE -- WHO IS THE PLAYER THAT HIS TEAMMATES AND HOMETOWN FANS DON'T WANT NEAR HOME PLATE WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE -- LATE IN THE SEASON?
WHO IS IT THAT HAS EARNED THE NICKNAME, "MISTER APRIL," FROM THE SPORTSWRITERS IN HIS CITY ?
I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, WHO IS THIS GUY SLEEPING WITH, THAT AN INTERNATIONAL BROADCASTING NETWORK WOULD TRY TO PASS HIM OFF AS A CLUTCH PLAYER, WHEN THE MAJORITY -- THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE TIME, HE IS CHOKING ON HIS OWN BLOOD, IF THE GAME IS ON THE LINE.

THE SAD PART IS -- THERE IS NO REASON TO NAME HIM, ONLY ONE PLAYER FITS THIS DESCRIPTION AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE READ THIS FAR DOWN THE PAGE.